Saturday evening I started writing a long ode to motherhood that just wasn't working. Then I lit upon idea to hit the internet and find a list of emotions, thinking that perhaps it would help. What I found was this:
"...feelings are like weather. It comes and goes, it's sunny or rainy or storming or there's a tornado ... but it passes. People get caught up in their emotions, in managing them, try to muscle them into something else. But really, who can harness the wind?" - Toby Neal
When those storms have passed, we're left with the wonder that comes with the calm. Do we remember how many nights we rocked sick babies? Do we remember all the frustrations of "little people" life when our children have moved to another stage of life? No, we don't. Those feelings are like the wind. They move on and are replaced with another feeling of the current time. Understanding that our current heart break is but a shift in that wind, makes it easier to bear. Along the way we're left with the memories we've made with our precious children. Of those I have so very many many. If I dig back in the recesses of my noggin, I'm sure I can come up with some doozies that I can laugh at now. Throughout our lives, we will all experience the same emotions. The cause of those emotions may be different, yet in the end the feelings will be the same. And we'll move on through them.
Long ago I read something that went like this, "To be a mother is to forever have your heart walking around outside your body." Until I was a mother, I didn't understand that. Today I do. On this my 23rd anniversary of Mother's Day ... I understand.
I understand and appreciate the joy. I know the music of laughter and the balm of forgiveness. I know that my time with my children is limited and I thank God for lending them to me. I know that I am a far from perfect mother. I have regrets over things I could have done differently yet, if I should wake tomorrow, there is still time ... to try yet again.
Today I am thankful. I heard their voices and my heart rejoiced.